Annie Youmans - 2021

Speak

This piece is a short story, creative non-fiction, written in epistolary form. It takes the perspective of a young person learning more about the state of the world and communicating their new information to someone in their confidence.  This style of writing offers a much more intimate view into one's thoughts and feelings, while also being vague because readers really only get to see through a single lens.

Speak

Pt 1

23 January, 2021

Greetings from the other side of the world! I hope this letter finds you. I’m not used to having to send letters but I know technology is scarce where you are right now. By the way, I’m so happy you were able to go. It’s a miracle, given the circumstances. It’s crazy to think of how much life can change over the course of just a few weeks. Please try to write me as much as you can. You’ve been gone only a week and I already ache from missing you.

You’ll be delighted to hear that I’m moved and settled too (Wow, I sound like an Elizabethan lady… You’ll be delighted, my dear, mmm yeeeessss). Me and my husband are in a buzz with unpacking and arranging. I’m especially stressed because school starts this week. I’m so excited—but my classes are a bit strange this semester. I’m in a class that has a peculiar name—I’m actually not sure how it’s pronounced. It’s called Unveiling the Anthropocene (hope
you have better luck than me with the pronunciation). I hear it is a little bit science-y and a little bit artistic. Other than that, I honestly have no idea what to expect from this class. But like I said, I’m really excited for all my classes this semester.

I’m happy to be going back to school in general.This whole COVID thing has really messed up plans; for everyone, not just us. It doesn’t seem fair. I know the world isn’t perfect but it was never this stressful… or depressing. Going outside is the saddest thing. I’m not used to seeing the streets so empty and the stores all closed down. It reminds me of the mall back in our home town. How it used to be the center of social life—shops were buzzing with business,
people would go to hang out and have a good time, maybe buy something they hadn’t planned on buying simply because it made them happy. Then people stopped coming. The next time I went in, the atmosphere was different—sad, empty, lonely. Some of my favorite businesses closed down and there were hardly any people. The place didn’t echo with the chatter and
laughter of the people. It was just a quiet, cold, empty labyrinth. It’s the same now, except on a global scale. It makes me sad.

I hope the scenery is more enjoyable where you are. Knowing you, you’ll find the beauty in it even if there is none. I hope to hear from you soon.
-B

27 January, 2021

Hello again! I know it’s only been a few days since I sent my last letter, but I’m too excited to tell you things! After about a year of this COVID crisis, I finally feel like I’m living life again. I feel like I’m moving forward. Being in school feels so nice; I have goals that I’m trying to reach. You know that feeling of being stuck in traffic? Like you are anxious to get to where you’re going but you’re trapped by circumstances beyond your control. I’ve felt like that since
COVID started. Everything in my life got put on pause and I’ve been waiting and waiting. And now, finally, traffic is moving forward again; I’ve been taken off pause. My life is moving forward and I have a destination! It feels really good.

I’ll admit that I feel a little bit guilty about bringing my hubby with me. Not that he should have stayed behind. How odd would that be; to have a husband living in a different state? No, I feel guilty because I took him away from his home. Do you remember leaving home the first time? I didn’t realize what an impact it would have on me. I remember losing practically all my friends. It’s a strange thing that even with the wonders of social media, I lost
so many of them. I think what it really was—the real losing—was being removed from my community. Yes, that was the hardest part. When we moved, I felt like a glacier in Hawaii. I had been removed from my fellow glaciers and put into a completely different setting. It was hard trying to figure out how- or who- to be. I experience that less here, since it is closer to
home. But I can imagine what it is like. He must feel like a palm tree in the arctic.

In other news, classes are going well. I now know what “Exploring the Anthropocene” is. It’s about the effect that humans have on the planet. Like global warming and all that. I don’t know a whole lot about the topic, honestly. I mean, I know global warming is important, but I’ve never taken the time to look into it much. Most times, when I hear speeches about global
warming, the person will say, “the data is clear” then jump into their save-the-planet speech. The thing is, they never take the time to show the data. All they ever say is “the data is clear” and I just believe them—because obviously they know more than me. I think this will be my chance to actually see “the data” and form an opinion of my own. I won’t say that I don’t believe in climate change, but I can understand why some people don’t when speakers leave
“the data” as ambiguous as they do.

Anyways, I’m not trying to give some high and mighty speech to you. I just wanted to tell you that I’m really excited to be back in school. I feel like my life has purpose again.
-B

10 February, 2021

Hello, hello. Sorry for the awkward “salutations” in my letters. I’m not a fan of the “Dear so-and-so” thing. I know it’s tradition, but who talks like that anymore? I feel more awkward sending emails to my professors. It feels weird to say “dear” because I don’t know them. I feel like a simple “hello” is sufficient enough. But since you are special, you get two hellos.

So, you know how shy I am? Well, in my classes I have a lot of thoughts but I don’t like to share any of them. Maybe you would be kind enough to let me tell you? Since this is a letter, you don’t really get a choice.

Remember that Anthropocene class I told you about? We recently went over the “green new deal” from a few years ago. I don’t know if you know what that is. It was some kind of bill or something that outlined a better way of living—not just reducing carbon and taking care of the planet, but also better living for people. Things like equality and ending poverty and whatnot. Anyways, I remember being in an environmental science class when it was in the political spotlight. The professor asked us to read it, and we discussed it in class. The general consensus we came to was that it was more for show than for actual action. The person that wrote it (I forget her name) obviously knew that it wasn’t going to pass, but the goal wasn’t to get it passed. The goal was to get people talking; at least, that’s what the class came to an agreement
on. Well, my professor this year had us read it, too. No one mentioned that it was only supposed to get people talking. The class seemed content to talk about it like it was a real goal when it first came out. I sure as hell wasn’t going to bring it up, though. Besides, since I missed the last few years of school, the view on it might have changed. I don’t know. I’m not very political, as you know. I just remember reading over it and thinking it was a noble goal, but not something people would be on board with—some people are just too greedy. Not like you. I wish more people on this planet had a heart like yours.

Anyways, I hope you get this letter soon. I look forward to hearing from you. Stay strong,
and be kind.
-B

16 Feburary, 2021

Dearest B,

About school, I’m happy to hear that you are finding purpose in your life again. I know it has been a difficult journey for you, trying to find your own path towards your passions. I understand COVID has made the journey more difficult—I do know how horrible it feels to be stuck. It is always better to be
moving forward, even if it’s in the wrong direction, than to not move at all.

No, I hadn’t heard of this Green New Deal before. How interesting the shift of perspective is, isn’t it? Of course, over time, certain events play out and expand our understanding of past experiences. Do you remember when dad left mom? And it was so painful, we were angry at him for years; but later we found out that he had plans to move to a different state. He had decided to stay and be “dad” because he didn’t want to be the kind of father that his dad was—the absent kind. Remember how our perspective changed? Suddenly, he wasn’t the bad guy anymore. The truth we learned was that every parent is going to fail their children because parents are humans—and humans mess up, make mistakes and hurt the ones they love most. What’s important is the effort. At the very least, he tried— and that is the most we can ask of anyone, that they try their best.

The same applies to you, too. I know you don’t like to speak your thoughts, but maybe you should take a chance and try. You might find it… liberating.
-C

23 Feburary, 2021

Hello again.

Thank you for your letter. It’s nice to hear what you have to say.

Yes, it is a strange thing how one small piece of information can change a long-held belief. I do remember how my perspective of dad changed. I don’t know if that relates to what I said in my previous letter though. It could have been that some people were seeing it for the first time and didn’t have that background knowledge. Of course, I don’t know since I didn’t ask.

I have to ask you something, though. Do you remember Johnny Appleseed? I
remembered that story recently, but it is such a distant memory, it feels like it’s just my imagination. Was it history or was it just a child’s tale? I remember hearing it in school, when I was only in… first or second grade? Maybe even before that. I’m not sure. I’m recalling a Simpsons episode that depicted the story… So maybe it’s not just in my imagination?

The reason I ask is because in my class, we were talking about biodiversity loss. As it is, we are killing animal species too quickly. We watched this documentary, and there was a place that hunted manta rays. It was their only way of getting money. They showed one getting killed, with the spear and the blood and everything. I almost cried. I’ll admit, it was a struggle to
choke back the tears.

Anyways, about the Johnny Appleseed thing…I was thinking about how we are overhunting animals, and it got me thinking about that story. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Johnny Appleseed was the guy that encouraged the people to eat apples because the people were hunting the buffalo to extinction, right? I just thought that in today’s age, we are kind of in the same boat—except larger. If Johnny Appleseed’s time was a boat, then our time would be
the Titanic—and we’re sinking quickly.

While I was thinking about buffalo, I was reminded of a play I read a few years ago in an English class I took. It was called Botánica, I think. In it, there is this crazy old man who keeps telling the others not to let anyone kill their buffalo. Later, we find out what he’s really saying is don’t let people destroy who you are. It described how the Native Americans lost their culture because the white man came and killed their buffalo. It’s interesting because it wasn’t just a matter of food security; it was also a matter of cultural security. The difference now is that we are killing our own buffalo. We consume so much, it’s not only killing our planet, but also ourselves. Shouldn’t that be concerning?

Why can’t we have a “Johnny Appleseed” in our time? I mean, I know there are plenty of environmental activists in the world, but most of the them get passed off as “tree-huggers”— they don’t get taken seriously. But perhaps they aren’t wrong. If we are committing suicide, isn’t it right that someone tells us to stop? 

I’ll admit, before taking this class, I didn’t care too much. I don’t disrespect
environmentalists, but I was more complacent about them before. But we should give a damn. We’re killing so many animals, and many have gone extinct. If you think about it, you and me will never get to see a mammoth. We get to see pictures of them, sure, but there’s never going to be a time when we see one in the wild. Wouldn’t our ancestors be sad to know that the
people today wouldn’t get to see the majesty of a mammoth with their own eyes? What if our descendants never get to see the majesty of a manta ray? Or a buffalo?

Ay, now I’ve gone and blabbered too much. I know there’s not much reason for you to care. Perhaps I’m wrong about everything, anyways. That’s why I never speak about these things. At the very least, I’m thankful to you for reading my ramblings.
-B

25 Feburary, 2021

Hi, it’s me again. I know it’s only been a few days since my last letter. I’m not sure if you’ve had time to read it yet. I just wanted to share some things with you.

This week we learned about food systems. Long story short, they are super corrupt. I learned a lot of stuff I didn’t want to know. We watched this documentary that showed several different things. Are they all true? I don’t really know, but even if half of them are true, there is reason for concern. One thing they showed was how food industries bring in illegal immigrants to work their factories, but then the immigrants get in trouble and not the
companies bringing them in. And, of course, they showed the horrible conditions that these people work in. It seems you can’t have a food industry documentary without this horrible image being shown.

It also showed something that happened to Oprah. I guess she said something about a burger, and the company sued her for it. I don’t remember hearing any kind of news about it. It would have been something that happened in my lifetime, but I don’t remember it being in the spotlight. I thought it was strange, though, that this company would spend so much time
and resources on suing her rather than using that time and effort to fix their methods. It reminded me of one of my coworkers. I think I told you about her—the super drama-queen. She did anything and everything to cause drama, and she did it because she was trying to avoid doing her work. Honestly, though, she would spend more time and effort causing drama to get her out of doing her job than it would have taken to simply do her job. If she was trying to get out of doing a one-hour task, she would spend three hours causing some kind of scene. I never understood her. It’s the same with these companies. I don’t understand how they can use all that time and effort on one person (who wasn’t wrong, by the way) and not on fixing their problems. Besides, if people don’t want to buy your product because they find out about your bad work practices, it’s your own fault for having bad practices; it’s not the fault of the person who points it out. Right?

I shouldn’t talk like I’m all high and mighty though. After spending a whole class period talking about these corrupted food systems and how we can make our dollars vote for us in stopping the horrible treatment of cows, chickens and people—me and hubby went out to a burger place before going grocery shopping. Pretty ironic, isn’t it? Maybe ‘hypocritical’ is a better word. But it was fast, cheap, and along the way. I’ll admit that I felt rather silly eating
at one of these places after having talked about how evil they were. Maybe that’s the real problem. It’s not that people aren’t aware. Maybe it’s that people don’t have better options. But what do I know?
-B

4 March, 2021

Dear B,

It seems you are learning a lot in this class of yours. You seem to be very passionate about what you are learning. Passion is powerful, but do be careful what you do with it. After all, passion leads people to do reckless and cruel things. It was passion that drove the crusades, and passion that drives men to
crash planes and behead innocent people. Countless innocent people have died, all in the name of Passion.

Yes, I do remember Johnny Appleseed. He was a real person, named John Chapman. I’m not sure if he promoted apple trees specifically because of buffalo, but he was known for conservation efforts.

I can’t answer your question about why we don’t have a Johnny Appleseed in today’s age. But like you said, there are many people in the world trying to promote the well-being of our planet. Unfortunately, such things don’t have simple solutions. We are a complex system, full of diversity and individuality. You cannot undo a knot of a thousand strands by only tugging on one strand. Likewise, there are never any simple answers to such complex problems.

That is an amusing story, going out to eat after talking about bad foods. I guess we are all guilty of being hypocrites, aren’t we? Perhaps it keeps us humble; or at least, should remind us to be humble.

You know a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Just promise you won’t forget to recognize other’s opinions as well. You never know what else you can learn.
-C

12 March, 2021

Again, thank you for being so kind and listening to (well, in this case reading) my ramblings. I’m truly blessed to have you.

I am learning a lot this semester. I told you before, it feels so nice to be back in school. I love feeling like my life is moving forward. Honestly, the year 2020 doesn’t exist in my mind. The lockdown seemed to stop all life. Perhaps it was not entirely bad, however. I do remember hearing that many aspects of our planet improved when things shut down. I heard that some kind of river or lake cleared up. Was it the Hudson? I really don’t remember. I find it curious
that we live in a world where either our planet thrives while we suffer, or our planet suffers while we thrive. Is there not a way for both to thrive simultaneously? Eww, I’m starting to sound like an environmentalist.

We’ve been talking about climate change this week. It’s difficult because the issue is such a hot-button; not just politically but also spiritually. Some people claim that climate change is against their spiritual beliefs. You told me to keep my mind open to other perspectives, but I have to admit… I just don’t understand. I’m not going to disrespect them, though. If I were to tell them their beliefs are wrong, then that would make me wrong. But what are you supposed to do when religion and science collide? And how do you ask ‘why’
without sounding condescending? Probably best to leave it alone, I guess. Not worth the confrontation.

I called mom yesterday. She’s doing well, and says hello to you. I told her some of these same things I’ve been learning in class. I also told her what I learned about ice. Did you know scientists are able to tell what the atmosphere was like thousands of years ago by looking at ice? Isn’t that cool? I was almost as excited to learn that as the time I learned how they tell the
atmosphere on different planets (you know, by shooting light at it and stuff). Apparently, air bubbles get trapped in the ice and they can look at that to see what air was composed of in the past—like thousands, even millions, of years ago! But with that, I learned that when the ice melts, those same air bubbles release back into our atmosphere. Most of those air bubbles have carbon and stuff in them, so it’s scary because the melting ice releases more carbon which
makes the ice melt faster. Science can be so tricky, can’t it?

I don’t think mom cared too much about what I was saying, though. She started talking about her garden. She said something about how her gardener was gonna spray for weeds sometime in the next few weeks. I told her to hold off. I learned that dandelions are some of the first flowers that bees have access to in the year, and if you kill them too soon, then you hurt the bees. While I was telling her this, I almost couldn’t believe what I was saying. Since when did I care about these kinds of things? I mean, I think bees are important, but I couldn’t believe I was giving my mom advise for taking care of our planet. I’ve never done that before. 


It was frustrating, though, because she met my concerns with her own complacency. Probably the same complacency I had before taking this class. What is it that makes people like us so… uncaring?

When I think about it, I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life where climate change wasn’t an issue. Even when I was young, things like air pollution and melting ice caps were always a concern. I’ve seen these issues come in and out of the political spotlight many times in my life. I remember the big issue of smog over China was prominent when I was in 7th grade. Then again in 10th. Melting ice caps were an issue for a few years when I was in high school. I’ve seen so many debates about the dangers of fossil fuels. I remember the fracking debate in our home state. So many environmental issues have come up, and every time my schools tell me to care—and I do, but it’s never enough to make any significant change. It usually ends in feel-good solutions. You know what I mean? Those little things you change that
make you feel good about contributing to the solution, but they are so small they barely make a dent. It’s like eating a salad with your normal meal to make you feel like you are eating healthier—but the reality is, that little salad, all by itself, isn’t going to help you lose weight. You have to do so much more. You have to change your whole lifestyle. You have to change your eating habits, your diet, your exercise, even your mentality. With climate change, it’s very much the same. We can’t just walk instead of drive one day a week and expect any kind of significant change to take place. You really have to change everything. But that’s the scariest part. Change.

I won’t lie, I really hate change. I hated it when we moved. I hated it when I moved here for school. I struggled with adapting to married life. I, like so many others, rely on routine and familiarity. So, how does one change their entire lifestyle to accommodate climate change? Especially since it’s an issue so big it seems unconquerable. It would be like asking everyone to give up their lives and replace it with… the unknown. What would we do instead? I actually don’t know of any other way to live. I’m not a farmer, and I’m not a hunter. I was born and raised in the city. I don’t doubt my ability to learn, but the thought is terrifying. I don’t know what I would do if I were asked to give up everything I know and live a different life. I imagine it would feel worse than being a glacier in Hawaii. Maybe that’s why we have become so uncaring
about the whole issue. It’s big; it’s scary; so, it’s easier to ignore it.

At least that’s what it might be for us little people. I think it’s different for the rich people with high investments in fossil fuels. Naturally, they would want to protect their assets (or their asses). If fossil fuels go, their money goes too. In one of the documentaries we watched, it mentioned that there are several politicians in office that have an investment in fossil fuels and they work to protect their assets rather than the people. Is it true? I have no idea. It could
be different now because new people have been elected since the documentary was made. 

It reminded me of the Roman Republic when Rome was at the height of its power. The people were calling for land reforms. They were losing land because of debt for being away for long periods of time, since their kingdom was so huge. But several senators were in control of the land that the people wanted them to give up. Naturally, these powerful senators worked really hard to keep their land and power—but at some point, they became so obsessed with it, they forgot about serving the people. Then there was the whole thing with Caesar, and it eventually led to the Roman Empire (you know, like the plot to the Star Wars prequels). I guess some politicians are very much the same today. I can understand why they don’t want to give up fossil fuels, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s ethical (or even constitutionally correct) to have politicians that put their own investments before the needs of the people. I had a dark thought during our class discussion… what if we are headed down the same path? I don’t want
to follow in those footsteps. The end of that road is not one I’d like to see in my lifetime.

Sorry. Now I really am rambling. Well, as always, I appreciate you reading all my rantings. I look forward to your next letter.
-B

20 March, 2021

I’m beginning to have too many thoughts. I don’t know what to do with them. Typically, I would be glad to share the news of everything I’ve learned. There are so many wonderful things in the world to share. However, right now… I feel hopeless. There’s an ever-growing number of problems; it’s a monster. What can we do in the midst of all this crisis? Is there any hope?

When we began the semester, the professor started with a speech about hope. He said he really did think we had the resources and the ability to get ourselves out of this mess. It seemed hopeful. But now, knowing everything I didn’t know before, I’m not feeling as hopeful as I did then. What do you do with that? Do you just give up; turn away and let it overtake you; submit to its ever-growing power? Or do you stand and fight? As long as we have a chance, it’s worth the effort… right? There’s never been a time in my life that these issues weren’t issues. Isn’t it time we changed that?

What we discussed this last week got me thinking of my ex. We were talking about consumerism. As we already know, we consume too much and it’s killing us. I told you about the manta rays and the buffalo.

As it is, we have an abusive relationship with our planet. We take everything we want and give very little back. It’s like how my ex-husband treated me. I gave him everything I had, and he gave me nothing. I would cook him meals; he ate them and when I asked him to help me clean up, he would grumble and walk away. I would clean up the messes he left behind, but if I asked him to do something for me, I was met with a cold ‘no.’ In the bedroom, I would give him his satisfaction… and then he would go to sleep, without returning my love. His hugs weren’t hugs; merely positioning his arms around me. His kisses were quick and emotionless. They were more about going through the motion than about expressing the affection; and in the eighteen or so hours he was awake every day, he couldn’t find a moment to say ‘I love you.’

I don’t know why I stayed in that relationship for so long. His selfishness sucked the life out of our marriage. There was no way our relationship could have survived. We treat our planet the same way he treated me. We take what we want; any resource in any amount. We take the trees, the animals, the water; we burn and consume until nature has nothing left to give us. How can we possibly survive like this? I lived so long in denial about my ex. I thought he would change. I thought he would have a change of heart. But he was too set in his ways. If that’s how he was, how can I have hope that we will change our ways toward our planet? Especially if some people don’t believe there is a problem in the first place? Really, what hope is there?
-B

28 March, 2021

Dearest B,

I know the situation with your ex was one of the hardest challenges you’ve ever faced. Please don’t confuse your hurt and despair for that situation with everything you have been learning. As you said before, there is much about life to share—but also, there is much about life to enjoy.

I was very proud of you for coming through the trial of your divorce. You survived. What’s more, you found someone new. You found someone who treats you with all the love you deserve. The journey was difficult, yes. There were many moments you thought you should give up, but you kept fighting. Change is indeed a scary thing, but sometimes it can be for the better. We all have the choice to embrace the changes, or to ignore them. You embraced the change in your marriage, so why shouldn’t you embrace the change set before you?

You are stronger than you realize. There is power in your passion. There is power in your voice. The only thing you lack, as of this moment, is courage. But courage is not blind bravery. You can charge face first into a fire, with all the bravery in the world, and still lack courage. Courage is not the absence
of fear, but rather the choice to be brave in the midst of fear. You have an incredible amount of courage in you. Now, it is time for you to face your fears. In doing so, I believe you will find a hope beyond anything you can imagine.

Sincerely,
C